Pearls of Wisdom
• International relations:
o The Scots pray on their knees on Sunday and on their neighbours
the rest of the week.
o The Welsh keep the sabbath and anything else they can get their hands on.
o The Irish don't know what they believe in but will fight to the death for it.
o The English claim to be self made men which relieves
the Almighty of a horrid responsibility.
• One Italian is a Latin lover.
Two Italians generate confusion.
Three Italians form four political parties.
• Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
• Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
beyond recognition.
• In theory, theory and practice are the same.
In practice, they're not.
• The sum intelligence in the world is a constant.
The population is growing.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
• Usenet is the delusion that all subjects can be classified in a neat hierarchy.
• Common sense and conscience are like a muscle. If you don't use a muscle
it gets weaker and weaker.
• If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand,
we would still be so stupid that we couldn't understand it.
• "As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.
• There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
• The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.
• Romance is like a game of chess - one false move and you're mated.
• If you have tried your hand at something and failed, the next best thing is
to try your head.
• As you slide down the bannister of life, may the splinters never point your way.
• A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people
for a ride at the same time.
• A good way to get your name in the newspaper is to cross the street reading one.
• They tell us courtesy is contagious. So why not start an epidemic.
• Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement!
• It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly
concerned about.
• Children disgrace us in public by behaving just like we do at home.
• Often the same thing that makes one person bitter makes another better.
• Love looks through a telescope; envy looks through a microscope.
• If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
• A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.
• The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
• A modern murderer is supposed to be innocent until he/she is proven insane.
• Science has found that insanity is hereditary...parents get it from their children.
• Lecturing has been described as the passing of information from the lecturer's
notes to the students' notes without passing through the brain of either.
• Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the
experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
• Mathematicians are a species of Frenchman: if you say something to them, they
translate it into their own language and presto! it is something completely different.
• Scientists animated by the purpose of proving that they are purposeless are an
interesting object of study.
• The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is that you usually have to eat them.
• Don't be a carbon copy of something. Make your own impressions.
• To really know a man, observe his behaviour with a woman, a flat tyre, and a child.
• No matter what you do, someone always knew you would.
• Have you noticed that an optimist is always able to see the bright side of other
people's troubles?
• Just why do men lie about each other when the plain truth would be bad enough?
• Ideas are like children: no matter how much you like other people's,
you can't help thinking your own are the best.
• Intimacy has been defined as 'what you can scratch, in front of whom,
and whose it is'.
• Human history is a drama in which the stories stay the same, the scripts of those
stories change slowly with evolving cultures,
and the stage settings change all the time.
• Why is it, that in the UK you POST letters via Royal MAIL while, in the US you MAIL
letters via the US POSTal service?
• Murphy's Laws for Engineers (also applicable to Physicists, we think!):
o The more innocuous a design change appears, the further will its influence extend.
o Any error that can creep in, will. It will be in the direction that will do most damage
to the calculation.
o A transister protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
o All constants are variables.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• Programming is like sex; one mistake and you support it for a lifetime.
• It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
• A jury is a group of twelve men and women of average ignorance.
• A psychologist says kissing is where two people get so close together they can't
see anything wrong with each other.
• Foreign dictators are difficult to understand. You can never tell whether they are smart
men bluffing, or imbeciles who meant it.
• Summer has set in with its usual severity.
• Judge each day, not by the harvest, but by the seeds you plant.
• The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.
• If you have an unpleasant neighbour, the odds are that he does too.
• Hospitality meets its greatest test when a new idea drops by uninvited.
• Many a man's expenditure of speech exceeds his income of ideas.
• Envy provides the mud that failure throws at success.
• It's a well known fact that the older a man gets, the faster he could run as a boy.
• A man who goes out to meet trouble will have a short walk.
• Nothing depreciates a car faster than a neighbour buying a new one.
• The road to failure is greased with the slime of indifference.
• If it's true the world's getting smaller, why do they keep
increasing the price of postage?
• Modesty is the art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.
• A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
• Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called
a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
• For every minute you're angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
• 'Anger' is just one letter short of danger.
• An angry man is seldom reasonable; a reasonable man is seldom angry.
• Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
• Psychiatrists say that one of four people is mentally ill. Check three friends.
If they're okay, you're it.
• The human brain is a wonderous instrument. It starts working the moment
you wake up and doesn't stop until you get to the office.
• A neurotic builds castles in the air. A psychotic lives in castles
in the air. And a psychiatrist is the guy who collects the rent.
• It takes very little to make a woman happy, and more than is contained
in Heaven and Earth to keep her that way.
• Pessimists are the world's happiest people. Ninety percent of the time
they are right, and the other ten percent they are pleasantly surprised.
• Is it bad luck for a black cat to walk behind you? That depends on
whether you are a man or a mouse.
• A nurse is a girl who holds your hand and expects your temperature to go down.
• I think every girl should hold on to her youth, except when he's driving.
• If the doctor cures, the sun sees it; but if he kills, the earth hides it.
• Charity begins at home and generally dies from lack of
out-of-door exercise; sympathy travels abroad extensively.
• A man is as old as he feels, but never as important.
• Enthusiasm breakfasts on obstacles, lunches on objections,
and dines on competition.
• Life not only begins at forty - it begins to show.
• The best way to get rid of a hothead is to give him the cold shoulder.
• The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed,
but that he cannot believe anyone else.
• Many a man creates his own lack of opportunity.
• If you don't enjoy what you have, how could you be happier with more?
• Compromise is always wrong when it means sacrificing a principle.
• A successful politician is one who can stay in the public eye without irritating it.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
• 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
• Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
• A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
• For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
• I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
• Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
• I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
• Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
• If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
• Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
• If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
• Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
• It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
• Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
• Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
• Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
• Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
• Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Do witches run spell checkers?
• Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
• Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
• Dain bramaged.
• Department of Redundancy Department
• Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
• What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
• 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
• Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
• The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
• Did anyone see my lost carrier?
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
• He who laughs last thinks slowest!
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
• There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
• Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
• Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
• I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
• Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
• Double your drive space - delete Windows!
• What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
• "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
• I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
• All generalizations are false, including this one.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
• "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
• The further an experiment is from theory, the closer it is to the Nobel prize.
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission
• Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.
• Liberty is fragile. If it is lost for one it is lost for all.
• It's amazing how many people use "you only live once"
as an excuse to throw their life away.
• When the thought police come knocking, think, "I'm not in!"
• Look on the world as a big fruit cake. It wouldn't be complete without a few nuts in it.
• The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar Wilde
• Truth is as clear as a bell, but it isn't always tolled.
• The grass may be greener next door but it is just as hard to cut.
• In examinations, the foolish set questions which the wise cannot answer.
• For sale: Klein bottle. Enquire within.
• God created man and learned from her mistake.
• What would have happened if Kuwait's main product was broccoli?
• What's a synonym for Thesaurus?
• What's brown and sticky? A stick.
• What's shorter than a weekend? A vacation!
• What's the speed of dark?
• When all else fails, call Bill Gates at home.
• When all else fails, read the manual.
• When all is said and done, more is said than done.
• When an old person dies, a library burns down.
• When I want your advice, I'll give it to you!
• When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
• When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
• When in doubt, tell the truth.
• When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
• When liberals grow up they want to be conservatives.
• When money speaks, truth keeps silent.
• When puns are outlawed only outlaws will have puns.
• When the chips are down, the buffalo's empty.
• When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
• When vultures fly they're allowed carrion luggage.
• When you see a snake, never mind where it came from.
• When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts you can be sure you're dead.
• When you're in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
• When you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
• When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
• When your IQ hits 28, sell!
• Whenever I feel like exercising I lie down until the feeling passes.
• Where can I find a synonym for thesaurus?
• Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
• Where in the world does the guy who has everything put it?
• Where is everything? All I typed was format c:.
• Where law ends, tyranny begins.
• Where there's a will there's a beneficiary.
• Where there's a will there's an attorney.
• Where there's a will there's a wail.
• Where there's a will there's a won't.
• Where there's smoke, there's toast.
• Where you've been means much less than where you're going.
• Wherever you came from, you're not there now.
• Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
• Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? (I don't know, and I don't care!)
• Which one is the fatherboard?
• Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there?
• Who should I call to exorcise software?
• Who wrote the rules on how to act your age?
• Why bother phoning a psychic? Let them phone you!
• Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?
• Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Let not the pot call the kettle an aardvark.
• I don't mean to be catty, but "miaow".
• What does occasional furniture do the rest of the time?
• Do the people in Tipperary realise they're a long way away?
• Why do clairvoyants have front door bells?
• Imitation is the sincerest form of blandish meat.
• The dog ate my car keys. I'll have to hitch-hike to the vet.
• My stigmata is playing up on me.
• I've used up all my sick days - so I'm calling in dead.
• Dolphins find people amusing, but they don't want to talk to them
• Table manners are for people who have nothing better to do.
• A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.
• When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
• The cost of living had not affected its popularity.
• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
• Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. - Mae West
• You know it's going to be a bad day when ...
o your pet rock snaps at you.
o your twin forgets your birthday.
o your answering machine tells you it's none of your business.
o you try start your car and are ejected through the roof of your garage.
o you get struck by lightening on a sunny day.
• Deja moo: the strange feeling that you've milked this cow before.
• Idling is most fun when there is plenty of work to do.
• Politics consists of two sides and a fence.
• If money is the root of all evil, why has no student been canonised?
• eschew obfuscation
• Entry in Weekly Schedule, New Zealand Symphony Orchestra:
Another Month Ends
All Targets Met
All Systems Working
All Customers Satisfied
All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic
All Pigs Fed and Ready to fly
Taken from a variety of sources
• International relations:
o The Scots pray on their knees on Sunday and on their neighbours
the rest of the week.
o The Welsh keep the sabbath and anything else they can get their hands on.
o The Irish don't know what they believe in but will fight to the death for it.
o The English claim to be self made men which relieves
the Almighty of a horrid responsibility.
• One Italian is a Latin lover.
Two Italians generate confusion.
Three Italians form four political parties.
• Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
• Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
beyond recognition.
• In theory, theory and practice are the same.
In practice, they're not.
• The sum intelligence in the world is a constant.
The population is growing.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
• Usenet is the delusion that all subjects can be classified in a neat hierarchy.
• Common sense and conscience are like a muscle. If you don't use a muscle
it gets weaker and weaker.
• If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand,
we would still be so stupid that we couldn't understand it.
• "As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.
• There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
• The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.
• Romance is like a game of chess - one false move and you're mated.
• If you have tried your hand at something and failed, the next best thing is
to try your head.
• As you slide down the bannister of life, may the splinters never point your way.
• A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people
for a ride at the same time.
• A good way to get your name in the newspaper is to cross the street reading one.
• They tell us courtesy is contagious. So why not start an epidemic.
• Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement!
• It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly
concerned about.
• Children disgrace us in public by behaving just like we do at home.
• Often the same thing that makes one person bitter makes another better.
• Love looks through a telescope; envy looks through a microscope.
• If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
• A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.
• The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
• A modern murderer is supposed to be innocent until he/she is proven insane.
• Science has found that insanity is hereditary...parents get it from their children.
• Lecturing has been described as the passing of information from the lecturer's
notes to the students' notes without passing through the brain of either.
• Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the
experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
• Mathematicians are a species of Frenchman: if you say something to them, they
translate it into their own language and presto! it is something completely different.
• Scientists animated by the purpose of proving that they are purposeless are an
interesting object of study.
• The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is that you usually have to eat them.
• Don't be a carbon copy of something. Make your own impressions.
• To really know a man, observe his behaviour with a woman, a flat tyre, and a child.
• No matter what you do, someone always knew you would.
• Have you noticed that an optimist is always able to see the bright side of other
people's troubles?
• Just why do men lie about each other when the plain truth would be bad enough?
• Ideas are like children: no matter how much you like other people's,
you can't help thinking your own are the best.
• Intimacy has been defined as 'what you can scratch, in front of whom,
and whose it is'.
• Human history is a drama in which the stories stay the same, the scripts of those
stories change slowly with evolving cultures,
and the stage settings change all the time.
• Why is it, that in the UK you POST letters via Royal MAIL while, in the US you MAIL
letters via the US POSTal service?
• Murphy's Laws for Engineers (also applicable to Physicists, we think!):
o The more innocuous a design change appears, the further will its influence extend.
o Any error that can creep in, will. It will be in the direction that will do most damage
to the calculation.
o A transister protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
o All constants are variables.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• Programming is like sex; one mistake and you support it for a lifetime.
• It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
• A jury is a group of twelve men and women of average ignorance.
• A psychologist says kissing is where two people get so close together they can't
see anything wrong with each other.
• Foreign dictators are difficult to understand. You can never tell whether they are smart
men bluffing, or imbeciles who meant it.
• Summer has set in with its usual severity.
• Judge each day, not by the harvest, but by the seeds you plant.
• The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.
• If you have an unpleasant neighbour, the odds are that he does too.
• Hospitality meets its greatest test when a new idea drops by uninvited.
• Many a man's expenditure of speech exceeds his income of ideas.
• Envy provides the mud that failure throws at success.
• It's a well known fact that the older a man gets, the faster he could run as a boy.
• A man who goes out to meet trouble will have a short walk.
• Nothing depreciates a car faster than a neighbour buying a new one.
• The road to failure is greased with the slime of indifference.
• If it's true the world's getting smaller, why do they keep
increasing the price of postage?
• Modesty is the art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.
• A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
• Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called
a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
• For every minute you're angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
• 'Anger' is just one letter short of danger.
• An angry man is seldom reasonable; a reasonable man is seldom angry.
• Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
• Psychiatrists say that one of four people is mentally ill. Check three friends.
If they're okay, you're it.
• The human brain is a wonderous instrument. It starts working the moment
you wake up and doesn't stop until you get to the office.
• A neurotic builds castles in the air. A psychotic lives in castles
in the air. And a psychiatrist is the guy who collects the rent.
• It takes very little to make a woman happy, and more than is contained
in Heaven and Earth to keep her that way.
• Pessimists are the world's happiest people. Ninety percent of the time
they are right, and the other ten percent they are pleasantly surprised.
• Is it bad luck for a black cat to walk behind you? That depends on
whether you are a man or a mouse.
• A nurse is a girl who holds your hand and expects your temperature to go down.
• I think every girl should hold on to her youth, except when he's driving.
• If the doctor cures, the sun sees it; but if he kills, the earth hides it.
• Charity begins at home and generally dies from lack of
out-of-door exercise; sympathy travels abroad extensively.
• A man is as old as he feels, but never as important.
• Enthusiasm breakfasts on obstacles, lunches on objections,
and dines on competition.
• Life not only begins at forty - it begins to show.
• The best way to get rid of a hothead is to give him the cold shoulder.
• The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed,
but that he cannot believe anyone else.
• Many a man creates his own lack of opportunity.
• If you don't enjoy what you have, how could you be happier with more?
• Compromise is always wrong when it means sacrificing a principle.
• A successful politician is one who can stay in the public eye without irritating it.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
• 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
• Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
• A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
• For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
• I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
• Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
• I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
• Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
• If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
• Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
• If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
• Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
• It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
• Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
• Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
• Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
• Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
• Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Do witches run spell checkers?
• Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
• Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
• Dain bramaged.
• Department of Redundancy Department
• Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
• What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
• 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
• Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
• The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
• Did anyone see my lost carrier?
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
• He who laughs last thinks slowest!
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.
• There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
• Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
• Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
• I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
• Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
• Double your drive space - delete Windows!
• What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
• "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
• I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
• All generalizations are false, including this one.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
• "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
• The further an experiment is from theory, the closer it is to the Nobel prize.
• It is easier to get forgiveness than permission
• Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.
• Liberty is fragile. If it is lost for one it is lost for all.
• It's amazing how many people use "you only live once"
as an excuse to throw their life away.
• When the thought police come knocking, think, "I'm not in!"
• Look on the world as a big fruit cake. It wouldn't be complete without a few nuts in it.
• The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar Wilde
• Truth is as clear as a bell, but it isn't always tolled.
• The grass may be greener next door but it is just as hard to cut.
• In examinations, the foolish set questions which the wise cannot answer.
• For sale: Klein bottle. Enquire within.
• God created man and learned from her mistake.
• What would have happened if Kuwait's main product was broccoli?
• What's a synonym for Thesaurus?
• What's brown and sticky? A stick.
• What's shorter than a weekend? A vacation!
• What's the speed of dark?
• When all else fails, call Bill Gates at home.
• When all else fails, read the manual.
• When all is said and done, more is said than done.
• When an old person dies, a library burns down.
• When I want your advice, I'll give it to you!
• When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
• When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
• When in doubt, tell the truth.
• When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
• When liberals grow up they want to be conservatives.
• When money speaks, truth keeps silent.
• When puns are outlawed only outlaws will have puns.
• When the chips are down, the buffalo's empty.
• When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
• When vultures fly they're allowed carrion luggage.
• When you see a snake, never mind where it came from.
• When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts you can be sure you're dead.
• When you're in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
• When you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
• When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
• When your IQ hits 28, sell!
• Whenever I feel like exercising I lie down until the feeling passes.
• Where can I find a synonym for thesaurus?
• Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
• Where in the world does the guy who has everything put it?
• Where is everything? All I typed was format c:.
• Where law ends, tyranny begins.
• Where there's a will there's a beneficiary.
• Where there's a will there's an attorney.
• Where there's a will there's a wail.
• Where there's a will there's a won't.
• Where there's smoke, there's toast.
• Where you've been means much less than where you're going.
• Wherever you came from, you're not there now.
• Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
• Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? (I don't know, and I don't care!)
• Which one is the fatherboard?
• Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there?
• Who should I call to exorcise software?
• Who wrote the rules on how to act your age?
• Why bother phoning a psychic? Let them phone you!
• Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?
• Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Let not the pot call the kettle an aardvark.
• I don't mean to be catty, but "miaow".
• What does occasional furniture do the rest of the time?
• Do the people in Tipperary realise they're a long way away?
• Why do clairvoyants have front door bells?
• Imitation is the sincerest form of blandish meat.
• The dog ate my car keys. I'll have to hitch-hike to the vet.
• My stigmata is playing up on me.
• I've used up all my sick days - so I'm calling in dead.
• Dolphins find people amusing, but they don't want to talk to them
• Table manners are for people who have nothing better to do.
• A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.
• When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
• The cost of living had not affected its popularity.
• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
• Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. - Mae West
• You know it's going to be a bad day when ...
o your pet rock snaps at you.
o your twin forgets your birthday.
o your answering machine tells you it's none of your business.
o you try start your car and are ejected through the roof of your garage.
o you get struck by lightening on a sunny day.
• Deja moo: the strange feeling that you've milked this cow before.
• Idling is most fun when there is plenty of work to do.
• Politics consists of two sides and a fence.
• If money is the root of all evil, why has no student been canonised?
• eschew obfuscation
• Entry in Weekly Schedule, New Zealand Symphony Orchestra:
Another Month Ends
All Targets Met
All Systems Working
All Customers Satisfied
All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic
All Pigs Fed and Ready to fly
Taken from a variety of sources