Some Undiscovered Laws
from OXymoron Humour Archive
ACTION'S LAW
Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
ALBRECHT'S LAW
Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.
ALLEN'S (or CANN'S) AXIOM
When all else fails, read the instructions.
BOREN'S FIRST LAW
When in doubt, mumble.
BOVE'S THEOREM
The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
BOWIE'S THEOREM
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
BROOK'S LAW
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
CANADA BILL JONES' MOTTO
It's morally wrong to allow naive end users to keep their money.
CANN'S (or ALLEN'S) AXIOM
When all else fails, read the instructions.
CARLSON'S CONSOLATION
Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
CLARKE'S THIRD LAW
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
COHN'S LAW
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
CONWAY'S LAW
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
LAW OF CONTINUITY
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
CORRESPONDENCE COROLLARY
An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half of your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
CROPP'S LAW
The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.
CUTLER WEBSTER'S LAW
There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
DEADLINE-DAN'S DEMO DEMONSTRATION
The higher the "higher-ups" are who've come to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one.
DEMIAN'S OBSERVATION
There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should read ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
DENNISTON'S LAW
Virtue is its own punishment.
THE DILBERT PRINCIPLE
Incompetent Employees are promoted to the position where they can do the least damage - Management.
- Scott Adams
DOW'S LAW
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
DR. CALIGARI'S COME-BACK
A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of work without performing a backup.
ESTRIDGE'S LAW
No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it.
FINAGLE'S LAWS
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it.
No matter what the result, someone is always eager to misinterpret it.
No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory.
FINAGLE'S RULES
To study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working.
Always draw your curves, then plot the reading.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Program results should always be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
FINSTER'S LAW
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
FIRST RULE OF HISTORY
History doesn't repeat itself - historians merely repeat each other.
FRANKLIN'S RULE
Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be disappointed.
GILB'S LAWS OF UNRELIABILITY
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
GINSBERG'S THEOREM
You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't even quit the game.
GLYME'S FORMULA FOR SUCCESS
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
GOLD'S LAW
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
GORDON'S FIRST LAW
If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.
GOVERNMENT'S LAW
There is an exception to all laws.
GREEN'S LAW OF DEBATE
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
GUMMIDGES'S LAW
The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.
GUMPERSON'S LAW
The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
HANLON'S RAZOR
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
HARP'S COROLLARY TO ESTRIDGE'S LAW
Your "IBM PC-compatible" computer grows more incompatible with every passing moment.
HARRISON'S POSTULATE
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
HELLER'S LAW
The first myth of management is that it exists.
HIGHT'S LAW OF INVERSE GRAVITATION
Wealth flows uphill and pools at the top.
HINDS' LAW OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
HOARE'S LAW OF LARGE PROGRAMS
Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
See also Rhode's Corollary.
HUBBARD'S LAW
Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
JENKINSON'S LAW
It won't work.
JOHNSON-LAIRD'S LAW
Toothaches tend to start on Saturday night.
LARKINSON'S LAW
All laws are basically false.
THE LAST ONE'S LAW OF PROGRAM GENERATORS
A program generator creates programs that are more "buggy" than the program generator.
LIEBERMAN'S LAW
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
HENRY LUCE'S LAW
No good deed goes unpunished
LYNCH'S LAW
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
MASON'S FIRST LAW OF SYNERGISM
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
MAY'S LAW
The quality of correlation is inverely proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
MENCKEN'S LAW
There is always an easy answer to every human problem - neat, plausible, and wrong.
MESKIMEN'S LAW
There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
MUIR'S LAW
When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
MURPHY'S LAWS
If anything can go wrong, it will (and at the worst possible moment).
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you think it will.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
See also O'Toole's Commentry.
MURPHY'S LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS
Things get worse under pressure.
NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
NIXON'S THEOREM
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
NOLAN'S PLACEBO
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
OLIVER'S LAW OF LOCATION
No matter where you are, there you are.
O'REILLY'S LAW OF THE KITCHEN
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
OSBORN'S LAW
Variables won't, constants aren't.
O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAW
Murphy was an optimist.
PARKINSON'S LAW
Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
PARKINSON'S LAW (MODIFIED)
The components you have will expand to fill the available space.
PEER'S LAW
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
PETER'S PRINCIPLE
In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of his incompetence.
THE LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE
You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
PUDDER'S LAW
Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
RHODE'S COROLLARY TO HOARE'S LAW
Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine struggling to be free.
ROBERT E. LEE'S TRUCE
Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgement.
RUDIN'S LAW
In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.
RULE OF ACCURACY
When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to know the answer.
RYAN'S LAW
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
SATTINGER'S LAW
It works better if you plug it in.
SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
SHAW'S PRINCIPLE
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
SNAFU EQUATIONS
Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns.
An object or bit of information most needed will be least available.
Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
Interchangeable devices won't.
In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else.
Badness comes in waves.
STEWART'S LAW OF RETROACTION
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
THOREAU'S THEORIES OF ADAPTATION
After months of training and you finally understanding all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new command structure.
After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug" taken away, and you're left with a useless routine.
Efforts in improving a program's "user friendliness" invariable lead to work in improving user's "computer literacy".
That's not a "bug", that's a feature!
THYME'S LAW
Everything goes wrong at once.
THE LAW OF THE TOO SOLID GOOF
In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors.
Corollary 1: No one you ask for help will see the error either.
Corollary 2: Any nagging intruder, who stops by with unsought advice, will spot it immediately.
UNNAMED LAW
If it happens, it must be possible.
WEILER'S LAW
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.
WEINBERG'S COROLLARY
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
WEINBERG'S LAW
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
WHITEHEAD'S LAW
The obvious answer is always overlooked.
WILCOX'S LAW
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
WOOD'S AXIOM
As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a life-or-death situation, the power fails.
WOODWARD'S LAW
A theory is better than its explanation.
ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a larger can.
More of Murphy's Laws
Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Quality assurance doesn't.
The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
He who hesitates is probably right.
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the butter.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
You never want the one you can afford.
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it.
Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
Interchangable parts won't.
No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
Progress is made on alternative Fridays.
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.
A free agent is anything but.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
Based on an unoriginal Web page pinched from The Other Place, January 1997.
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